This weekend went pretty well. Eli seems to be getting better. He is still on his meds.
Julian and I went to Sam’s club Saturday evening. He did pretty good in the store. He sat on the cart the entire time . We were goofing off the entire time. He was busy counting the isles and reading. We added one more snack on his list that he could have. Sam’s club had this frozen lemonade flavored cones. They are assorted, fruit flavored snacks and most important they are dairy free. He was pretty excited about that. By the time we got home he was pretty tired, he ate supper and fell asleep while i was putting on his socks.
He has been waking up pretty early lately. He wakes up and starts playing with his toys. His dad usually wakes up with him and go get him breakfast.
Eli has pretty much figured out who everyone is. He loves following us with his eyes everywhere we go. I got to cuddle with both of them on the couch on Sunday. This was very good, given how hard it has been getting Julian off the computer. He tries to come sit on my lap too whenever he sees me hold the baby. Today i was rocking Eli, talking to him, kissing on his chunky cheeks and Julian was laying on the couch, with one hand on his chin just looking at me. I felt bad. I know i shouldn’t but i did. I smiled at him and said I love you J. He smiled, and kept on watching us.
They are both my kids and i love them with all my heart, but honestly as a mom, sometime it is hard not feeling guilty because you find yourself, spending more time with one than the other, even for just a day. I think it is good to be conscious about it, so you are able to of course work on it. When the baby fell asleep i got on the floor with Julian, asked him to show me what he has learned so far. He loves getting the attention, i guess , so do all kids.
I knew things will change, i think physically and mentally i was prepared for it, but emotionally it is a work in progress. I don’t even know how long this lasts. It has been what almost 3 months since Eli was born? So when Julian throws some of his temper tantrums every now and then, i know he is acting out. When he runs to our room and gives himself a time out because both mommy and daddy want him to behave , i know he can’t express his emotions vocally yet, so he runs away..so I say, i am still the adult, the mom, and have to always do what is best for him, even when he may not like it.
For the most part, We have great moments..we have our laughs, we have our wow moments, we have our belly times, and many more…it is the mommy emotional times that naturally mommy feels guilty about that , i have to admit.. i can’t help it. My husband always says Julian is fine. He will get used to it, he is growing up, then he reminds me of the big picture. Julian has his own little brother. Someone to play with, someone to grow up with, hopefully become best of friends , and no matter how things turn out, they will always have each other.
Then i look at myself, i look at both my boys, and smile, then tell myself this is just a rough patch in mommy’s world. I tell myself that am going to agree with daddy on this. Having Eli was not only best for mommy and daddy, but for Julian as well. Then flahback to when Julian does come and kisses his brother, or comes and want to hold him, i smile even more and my heart swells…I feel lucky and blessed to have them in my life.
We will work on mommy’s emotions. Mommy will need to tell herself, she is a great mother who has her doubts, and that is ok. That as long as she is able to find time for both her kids, she will be ok.
So do you have more than one child, how do you do it? Trust me i would love to know. Do you ever feel guily for spending more time with one, other than the other?
Motherhood, i won’t want it any other way.
Be blessed!
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